The Minister for Climate Change and Water, Penny Wong, revealed today plans to scrap the Earth Hour event, despite its recent success. In its place, the Rudd Government will be resurrecting the Howard Government’s policies on Climate Change instead.

‘Climate Change is a burning issue’, advised the Minister, ‘and while Earth Hour is a great way of bringing attention to it, there is nothing like John Howard’s stance on Climate Change to leave you in the dark!’

Ex Prime Minister, John Howard, declined to comment on the matter as he couldn’t locate his paperwork.

The NRL today, moved to address the spate of injuries emerging from the opening rounds of its Centenary season, by announcing that they will be banning the tackle.

‘Our players are our most valuable asset’ explained David Gallop, NRL CEO in an exclusive interview with the HA!lf Time Report, ‘We have a duty to protect them and if it means banning tackling to do so, then we ban the tackle!’

The HA!lf Time Report understands that the radical proposal, which was tabled at last night’s NRL board meeting, will be require players to continuously kick the ball along the ground without handling it at any stage. A team will score points once the ball successfully passes anywhere between the goal posts and below the crossbar.

Other initiatives rumoured to be investigated by the NRL include; reducing the number of players on the field by 2 per side, restricting the movement of the fullback who will become the only player allowed to handle the ball and an overhaul of the offside rule.

‘Yes, it is a radical plan’ agreed Gallop, ‘but we need to remain competitive among the various football codes if we are to survive for another 100 years.’

Subject to approval by the NRL Club CEOs the new ‘Sock It’ rules as they are affectionately referred to at NRL headquarters, may take effect as early as 2009 under a new competition structure, which will be known as The B-League.

Paul Dovas © 2008

The South Sydney Rabbitohs announced today the National Australia Bank as their new sponsor for the 2008 season. Under the arrangement, the NAB will inject an undisclosed amount into the Club and in return, receive the right to introduce a range of fees payable by all South Sydney fans.

The fees will include, an additional $10 processing fee on ticket prices, a $20 dishonour fee for failing to attend home games and a $50 fee for attending away games.

A spokesman for the club said, ‘The NAB deal speaks volumes for the direction the Club is taking and affords an opportunity to be screwed by someone other than the NRL for a change’.

The NRL’s official launch of their centenary celebrations ended in disaster yesterday when a 21-gun salute caused panic amongst leading players sending them scurrying for cover.

In club news, the Parramatta Eels have been thrown into turmoil with several players threatening to quit after the club after it revealed Target Australia as it’s new shirt sponsor.

My SQL has ruined my PHP which has caused the CSS to interrupt the AJAX!

Who said web design was easy? Obviously someone who has never tried it.

HA! Magazine is undergoing a some what of a transformation. For starters we are shedding the paper based version and traveling solely online. Over the next few weeks you will see this site undergo some major changes as we try and find the right balance whilst learning what web development is all about.

Feel free to visit from time to time and let us know what you think. You can send us a comment using the links below this article or alternatively, simply email us at info@hamagazine.com.au

We look forward to hearing from you.

The HA! Team

I recently purchased an external hard drive to back up the whatever comes after ‘giga’ bytes of data that HA! Magazine has generated over the last 9 months. You guessed it; the data that I lost when my laptop’s hard disk crashed. Shaped like a metallic brick, this ‘vital part of any new business’ was meant also help me sleep at night despite the constant buzzing noise it emits.

For a while there it performed its duties admirably even prompting me to keep feeding it data whenever it felt hungry. Somehow I managed to back up 200GB of data in 2 months including the accompanying software needed to run on the PC. Not a bad feat given the hard disk I was backing up was only 100GB.

But as is common during the festive season, it ate something it didn’t agree with and a few days into the New Year it stopped giving me access to my files. ‘No need to worry.’ I thought as the PC promptly ran a diagnostic test, unsurprisingly detecting a problem and issuing me with a 9 digit ‘Diagnostic Code’ and a web address to submit it to for a speedy resolution to my problem.

A great idea on paper but a hard one to execute, especially when the manufacturer is bought out by a larger multi-national whose process for dealing with faults involves an 8 digit ‘Repair Identification Code’ instead. I still wasn’t worrying as there was also an 1800 number to call if the website that had everything couldn’t help you.

After 25 minutes of the most convoluted series of dial prompts ever known to man which started with which language I spoke and ended with the exact dimensions of the underwear I wore when I installed the unit, a pre recorded message informed me that the office was closed due to the festive season. Perhaps that’s what had happened to the external drive too?

So yesterday I finally found 25 minutes to spare and rang the magic 1800 number again eventually reaching a ‘Technical Support Deflector’ in the US. Unfortunately the Deflector didn’t have to work too hard as he hadn’t even heard of the manufacturer of the hard drive let alone the merger. So he consulted his procedure manual after everything I had to say to him including; ‘hello’, ‘how are you?’, ‘warranty’, ‘what do you mean you have no record?’ and ‘f@#k off!’. But I did manage to land yet another 1800 number, this time closer to home somewhere in the Asia Pacific region with its own set of dial prompts and procedure manual.

‘Not a problem!’ assured me this perky Deflector from Singapore. All I had to do was to locate their sales office in Sydney as her manual didn’t cover it and they would exchange it for a new one.

‘What about my data?’ I asked hesitantly.

‘Umm…we don’t cover that…’ she answered impersonating the faulty drive and suggested I look up a data recovery service who would try and recover the data for a fee.

‘That’s like a car manufacturer instructing to take a new car to a mechanic as its not their problem!’ I explained to her, an analogy which failed to get the message across judging from her ‘we don’t cover cars’ response. Doesn’t your manual have anything to say about this?’ I finally succumbed to sarcasm.

To both our amazement it did. All I have to do is purchase an identical unit, locate the Sydney office and take both units to them. If possible they will transfer the data to the new one and exchange the faulty one as they don’t give refunds, leaving me with 2 units and potentially no data to populate them with. Next time I’ll just use Delete!

One bleak evening in late March of this year, my hard disk decided to dislodge a microscopic grain, which miraculously materialised in its airtight, impregnable, stainless steel casing. The grain in turn wreaked havoc on all my documents, spreadsheets, emails, photos, music, movies rendering me an entertainment and information cripple.

The upshot of this unfortunate incident was that I was left without access to computer for nearly 2 months as I waited for data recovery experts to marvel at how the microscopic grain made it into the hard disk in the first place.

‘A modern day miracle’, ‘In all my years…’, ‘It’s unbelievable’ and ‘Oh, by the way…you’re screwed!’ were just some of the comments the global team of technicians assigned to my case offered me in sympathy.

But it wasn’t all bad news because if it wasn’t for this unfortunate incident I would never have discovered that my external back-up drive had also been experiencing miraculous manifestations since Christmas last year.

After a minor bout of disorientation, I slowly rediscovered life prior to the mid 90s - the Unplugged version…

For the last few months for example, MySpace has literally been my ‘space’. The only difference is that in the unplugged version, you avoid the people requesting to be added as your friend.

Snail mail is fast mail when it’s your only mail. I even got to say hello to my postman. Unfortunately he was listening to his iPod at the time and didn’t notice.

No news is good news, especially when your only source for news is television. For goodness sake, can someone do something about the cats-in-trees infestation that seems to be plaguing this city!

I was never one for the unexplained and supernatural but without access to a computer, I found myself falling behind in my ISP payments for the internet service I could no longer use as I was without a computer. The problem was that I couldn’t access their bills as they were being sent by email as part of a ‘more intimate service’.

This in turn got me thinking; if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Unfortunately I couldn’t google the answer. You know what we need? A printed version of Wikipedia! I can see it now, the perfect reference tool for the offline world encompassing humanity’s collective wisdom and knowledge. I’ll call it the…‘Encyclopaedia’!

I even got to see the inside of bank again and WOW! modern furnishings, the latest technology and open spaces almost disguise the same old clueless and unfriendly service that we all pay through the nose for.

But thank goodness for mobile phones and voicemail, as a client of mine was still able to terminate me without notice despite my termination email bouncing the first time.

As I already have a Second Life, I am treating this experience as my third one!

Paul Dovas © 2007